Medical Issues

I wanted to talk about this not because it's a particularly interesting part of the foster care process, but because so far (at least for us) it's been a bit of a frustrating one.  H tends to be clumsy, often getting odd scrapes or cuts or other various injuries.  In fact, when she came to us, she ended up with what we think was a full-blown sinus infection after the first week, and then a second one about a week ago.  She's also rolled her ankle once to the point of being on crutches (twice now) and jammed a fingernail hard enough to the point of infection.

 

Plus, as with most foster kids, she came to us already on medication. 

 

Now, we didn't have prescriptions for her, nor do we live anywhere near where she used to, so even if we had previous doctor's names (which we don't) there's not much we can do. 

 

The government provides Medicaid for kids in foster care (and I believe they'll continue if you adopt a foster child as well - though I might be wrong on this) so, all we have to do is find someone that will provide care paid for by Medicaid.  That sounds easier than it is.  H wanted specifically to see a pediatrician when we needed to take her in to the doctor.  We emailed our worker, and hers, to help find someone that would take her in.

 

It wasn't an easy process- nor are the workers particularly responsive or helpful when it came to getting this information.  Thankfully, our worker came through with the name of a local pediatrician who would be willing to see H. 

 

All of this feels very strange when you're not a child's parent or legal guardian. I have felt a little on edge each time she hurts herself, because we're taught, as foster parents to watch for repetitive behaviors, maniulative behaviors or things that might seem out of character.  Do I trust each time that these are accidents?  Because they feel like they are.  So, we trust our instincts, care for her as best we can and hope that's enough.  Still, I can't help but feel sometimes as though I'm watching too carefully for things that aren't there - or that I'm missing things that are.  THIS is pretty much fostering in a nutshell.  I have to trust what I see on the surface, but always be waiting to deal with what's underneath it.

 

The medical needs of a typical 15 year old aren't particularly strenuous, but so far, it's been perhaps more than I expected... both in frequency and diffculty.  It's also been an interesting experience as far as having to interact with workers on both sides to get information- or help.  And I imagine that like most things, each child and each worker is going to be a different experience.  H's worker specifically is very detached, very hard to get a hold of or a response from.  Which is something we're learning to deal with and defer to our social worker whenever possible.

 

Two Months In

We've had H for two months now.  And I'm convinced that she's a great kid that's just had a lot of negative experiences, including the ones in previous foster homes.  When she came to us, she was on Prozac, but was slowly being weaned off of it and she's probably been without it for about three weeks now, and I think there's very little difference in her moods and attitudes since she's been off it. It's hard to know for sure, since it's not like we know what she was like before she started it- but there's things we can watch for like keeping an eye on her mood swings.  But, she's also a teenage girl with a bubbly personality and many of her mood swings - or at least the things we've noticed - can be attributed to be a teenage girl. 

 

In this, I feel like I have a bit of experience.  I mean, I was once a teenage girl.  I didn't have the same background, but, I know what it's like to feel like you need to talk to your friends, or to want to stay over at their house or anything like that.  My husband on the other hand, doesn't know what those things are like really, and he wasn't even around when his sister was a teenager (he was already off at college), so this is all new to him.  Usually, when he notices something that seems out of character we talk about it and he trusts my judgement on whether it's something we need to talk to H about, or if it's just something we need to wait out.  So far, most everything I think is part of being a teen.  But, I can already see how hard those judgements are to make.

 

In fact, there's times where it's obvious she's watching us - or at least paying attention - to how my husband and I interact as a couple, how we treat her, how we manage our finances, how we make time for her or our friends, ect.  She's learning and she trusts us to talk to her about things like an adult.  I think a lot of times, she's surprised how much we talk about things in front of her.  Nothing specific, but we're open enough that we don't feel like we have to go in a different room to talk about money or plans.  We do have conversations without her of course, all parents must.  But as much as we're able, we don't hide conversations or plans or general day to day things from her.  She seems to appreciate that.

 

I've talked here a little before about communication and the part it plays, but I think it's really starting to show in how she relates to us.  She's willing to talk to us about just about anything (that we've discovered so far) and in return we continue to keep her informed and willing to involve her more. We also think it helps to give her a better view of the world - a broader view - than the small town life she was used to where she never went anywhere, never did anything.  It's not really the small town, or the ideals she came from, but people she's lived with in the past and the sort of sort of limited ideals - traditional values - she's come from in the past.  Homes where Facebook and cell phones and dating were frowned upon. I think being younger helps us here, we don't see these things as negatives, just part of the current teenage experience.  That doesn't mean they can't be monitored, or kept in check, but denying their use (or their existence like some parents) seems like a fruitless endeavor. 

Trust, Respect and Fitting in

We've had H for more than a month now, and I realized I haven't really talked any about what we're doing.  I mean, things are going very well.  We haven't had any real issues with her and my husband and I really love this kid.  She's great.

But, part of why I started this blog in the first place was for people to see what the real process is of having a kid in your home.

We had an incident last week that got me thinking about this.  More specifically we had a moment with H when she was about to tell us something bad that happened to her and she expressed genuine worry that when she told us what had happened that it was going to change how we felt about her.  We've managed to gain a level of respect from her, and she values what we think of her.  I can't say from experience, but I do know from what I've heard about fostering teenagers, this is a little rare to have after such a short period of time.

The discussion we had showed us how much she has already grown to appreciate the type of parents we are, and we had the opportunity to give her love that she's been missing.  She was very afraid we would somehow like her less if we knew what had happened, even though she was the victim in the situation. Afterward, my husband and I were both struck by how meaningful this was -- this is a girl that within the first week at other foster homes has caused or gotten into some kind of trouble, not a girl that worries about what her foster parents think of her.  And we're new at this.  Yet, our opinion of her is already very important.

I have some thoughts about what we've done so far that's helped get us to here.
When she first came to us, that very first night, we let her talk about whatever she wanted.  She was happy to be alone in a foster house for the first time and while my husband and I both commented that she was very eager to please - or be pleasing - but I think more likely, she was very eager to feel she fit in to a family that would be willing to keep her.  So obviously, this isn't all us - but she had to have some willingness to make it happen as well (which she has in spades).

However, we've also been at times both welcoming and distant.  We include her in everything - and that means as much communications about our lives and plans as we would include anyone in.  My husband and I are very communication driven in our relationship - we need to talk things out a lot and this has helped a lot with H, in that she's seen us talking, and been involved in the discussions.  These conversations are about everything - friends, shopping, cooking, work.  She's 15, and certainly has a mature head on her shoulders.

It's also encouraged by social workers that older foster kids get experience in shopping and budgeting and how to run a household.  So these things work two-fold in getting her experience & integrating her into our house.

We're also pretty liberal as far as what kind of TV shows or music is allowed.  We're younger of course, which helps, but even if we didn't like it - she does.  Us not liking something (for instance she loves watching Law and Order, and I can't stand the show) doesn't make her interest less valid, just because she's a teenager, or because she's a foster kid.  That sort of freedom - as long as she talks to us about things has gotten us pretty far.

But we try and remain distant at times so she can go out or hang outside with her friends.  Sometimes she stays after school with friends, she talks walks in the neighborhood by herself.  We worked up to this things a half-hour to an hour at a time, as long as she texted me every time to tell me where she was/when she would be back.  This communication has given us a bit of trust that she's going to respond to us when we need her to, and given her a bit of responsibility over her person (and her phone).

I could talk more about this, and maybe in another month I'll make another post about it.  But, the other thing I wanted to touch on is that yes, we did buy her a cell phone.  Some kids in foster care, pay for their own.  We happen to be in a situation where we could get service for very cheap by adding her to one of our existing plans.  So, we did.  This, along with some other things (school clothes & supplies) that she's used to being told no to, or having to pay for herself were extra things we knew we could do- and wanted to do that have helped endear us to her. It's not always going to be something we can do, no matter how much we want to.  But, just in these little material things, we were able to show her that she was more than just a foster kid, a helping hand, or a paycheck.  (All of which she's experienced.)

So she does have a cell phone.  We were honest with her about the minutes and text she has available and she does not abuse it.  I also think this could be an age generation thing - I think it's perfectly legit for a 15 year old to have a cell phone these days.  And the way it keeps us talking to, at school, when she's at a friends, when she's out on her own, or just upstairs - they're all ways that keep us actually talking.

Talking, is vital.

A (long) word, about the word "Special"

I've been hearing this word A LOT lately, and specifically in relation to our foster parenting.  More specifically in how the fact that I am a foster parent, I am somehow, a special person.

Often in my life, I've been told I come off as a standoffish person.  That's probably the kindest of the similar comments about first impressions people have when they meet me in person.  It means, I'm not necessarily open with my feelings or emotions or my body language when I meet people for the first time.  And that typically it takes me a while to warm up to people.  I don't think it's a bad thing, and most of the time, I pride myself on it - though it is still something I work on - pride because it means I care about how people treat me.  It's defensive and protective, but my friends, the people that know that's not all about who I am, I'm told anyhow, take it as a sign of affection- of love- when I'm not that person with them anymore.  This does not color how I view other people, if they treat me different, because I seem standoffish, I understand that - I've accepted that's part of who I am.

I say all that to explain, why the fact that perfect strangers telling me how special I am, bugs me.  You don't know me.  You don't know the type of person I am.  And to be quite clear (if the above paragraph didn't make it so), I'm happy about that.

So, when a stranger: the parent's of one of H's friends, a distant co-worker, a school volunteer, a knitting student - tells me that I'm a special person for becoming a foster parent, it rankles me.  And more often, I've found it makes me a little upset.  A little... rant-y.

I understand the INTENT of the words.  They think what I'm doing is a good thing.  A commendable (to borrow the word from a friend) thing.  But those are words about the concept of any foster parent, any person that is doing something to give help- to give hope, to a person (any person of any age) that needs it- that might not get it otherwise.  What it implies but does not say, is the type of person I might be for becoming a foster parent.  Because what's more, I understand that it's not something that just anyone can do, or is willing to do (but that's a different post).

However, when someone says I am- or it makes me (or my husband)- some how special people, I don't buy it.  Because there's no way you can know what type of person I am.  And in another fashion, calling me a special person- is applying a characteristic to me that I don't feel about what we're doing.

[As an aside: I want to say here that I appreciate that people's first comments, even stranger's, are to assume that I'm a good person generally speaking and not that I'm some creeper that is fostering for the money, or worse, for the kids.  That's not what this is about.  But, I do feel that there's a sort of social stigma about it - which I'm getting to, I promise - that I wanted to talk about here.  It's not the assumption but what comes with it when it's vocalized.]

When someone says it's special, I'm special, we're special - what they're usually saying (implied by the phrase/s that usually follow) is that it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON to do what we're doing.    I'm not sure what this magical 'special kind/type of person' really is, but I know from the class we took with myriad people willing to become foster and adoptive parents is that it takes: ALL KIND OF PEOPLE.

And further more, what usually follows, how special I/we are is how they - the person making the comment - could never DO what we're doing.  "I just don't think I could do that" or "I don't know how you do it" or "I know I couldn't do that" or (and this is the one I hate) "I know you're a better person than me..." [because I couldn't/can't do it].  I'm not implying, or not trying to anyhow, that anyone CAN become a foster parent.  Certainly, the states put enough regulations and requirements in one's way, that it takes a bit of willpower and motivation to get through them all to become a foster parent.

But that doesn't mean they're looking for certain types of homes, or people, or environments.  And lets be honest, there wouldn't be such a stigma about fostering kids if there weren't so many horror stories (and sadly, too many of them are not just stories) about what can happen to kids when they're in foster homes.

So let me break something down for a minute (just to be clear).  In my state in order to be a foster parent:
... a single person (that's right, you don't have to be married) only needs to make 10k a year [that's less- less than your average retail job, less than minimum wage] and a married couple only needs to make 12.5k a year [I understand - even as I look down the barrel of my own layoff - that saying this already comes with a stigma attached these days.  It's hard to find and keep a job.  But for people that have jobs, it doesn't have to be much]
... a person only needs to have one room available with a bed to take in a child (age appropriate bed) but depending on the ages and sex of the kids, one only needs one room to take in multiple children.
... the government pays for medical (physical/emotional treatment) and dental welfare
... you are reimbursed at least enough to make sure each kid has enough to eat, every day and school lunches are paid for separately from that

Now, those are just some basics.  There are other considerations, like physical health (a doctor has to say it's okay for you to care for kids, but if you have a good doctor who understands your health conditions, this shouldn't be an issue - depending on the kids you want to take in) and stability and emotional well-being.  It's not for everyone.  But, there are so many people, who say it's not for them, and just don't understand that it CAN BE.  And those people are usually the ones that say how SPECIAL I am.  When I'm not.

These kids.  They're what is special.

And they deserve every bit of anything you're willing to give them.

The First Week (ish) with H

Things are still going very well.  I suspect some of this has to do with the fact that we have to get H enrolled into school.  First we were waiting on the placement agreement from her work, then my worker, then her worker, you get the picture.  We got that first thing yesterday morning, but her previous school hasn't yet faxed over the transcripts to the new school, and that's the last thing we're working on.

While we wait, there's been lots of me working at home (thankfully I can do this for a little while longer) and her watching TV or playing on the Xbox.  Neither of which bother me or my husband too much, since we know she needs the relaxing time to settle into the house, she's respectful of time and hasn't been demanding in anyway.  And when she DOES start school, we know she's going to be a little overwhelmed time-wise as she works to catch up and then dives proper-like into classes/assignments/ect.

So far, the biggest frustration has been waiting on paperwork - like an open-ended form so that we can take her five minutes away (across state lines).  It seems like such a small thing, but all our family lives on the other side of that state line that's just a few minutes from our house.  So, we have to have that form before we could legally take her just about anywhere we wanted to go - and we didn't get that until late Monday afternoon, which made that first weekend a little frustrating.

The First Kid: H

So, yesterday, one of the workers at our agency, sent us two referrals - two teenage girls.  Both of them seemed acceptable to us, so we asked about the first one.  She's a foster-to-adopt opportunity, so we were more willing to try that out (since ultimately we'd like to adopt).

She's 15 (half my age) and though I've only spent a few hours with her, she seems like a generally good and good-natured kid.  From the paperwork I've gone through, it looks like her previous foster parents may have been on the strict and conservative side of things - and this girl has been sexually active for a few years, so it looks like that was a problem for them.

My husband and I feel much less strange about that sort of thing - it's a generational and moral belief difference obviously, but we feel pretty well equipped to handle it.

Yesterday all-in-all was a pretty strange day.  The request for placement came early, but the call that she was coming to us, took a few hours.  Then, she's coming from halfway across the state, so we had to wait for a worker to drive her to us (about 4 hours I think).  So she came in late last night, and arrived with a LOT of things, which I hadn't been expecting.

Right now, things have gone well.  She seems eager to please - maybe a little more so than is normal - we're told there can be a sort of 'honeymoon' phase with some kids where they'll fit in well and be eager to please, and then start testing once they feel more comfortable.  Since she's not from the area, we're going to have to take a few days to get her enrolled in school and everything.

It's awkward right now - or I feel like it is - I don't want to hover.  And I know I can't 'make' her feel comfortable, but I think that she's adjusting well.

We're Official

Our official walkthrough went amazingly well.  There's always horror stories about how hard it is to pass on the first time without a bunch of corrections.  We had two minor things that she didn't count us off for, just mentioned that we'll want to take care of those things before we get placements at the ages where they would matter.  She wrote them down, but they won't stop us from getting our 0-18 license.

What I liked is that even though our worker did the same thing - this lady was able to sit down with me and talk me through all the regulations (or groups of regulations) and when I asked questions she had good answers, which our worker doesn't always have.  They each have their strengths, but when talking about regulations specifically, this was very helpful to me - and will be helpful later as we actually start taking placements.

So, that all said, we're official and our license should come in the mail very soon.

We have started receiving some emails about placements.  We tried to take two different girls (both older, one 11, one 17) but both were placed before we responded.  We've had several other emails about other kids, mostly boys that we've turned down for one reason or another.  For our first placement specifically, my husband and I are really, really trying to find someone that's a good fit for us, not just take the first kid that comes along.  It's a little stressful thinking I can't help all of these kids but I'd rather say no up front than have to tell the agency we can't handle a kid and they have to go back.  These kids have so much upset in their lives, I feel like that would be worse than not taking them at all.

Foster Care Updates

Since our social worker came back from her temporary leave, things have moved at a head-spinningly quick clip.  Our temporary license for Foster Care arrived two weeks ago.  Then, last week, as the husband and I were packing up for a small vacation, we got the call for our official inspection.  Traditionally (and our temp. license paperwork said something to this effect) the time between temporary licensing and the official inspection by the health department can take 60 - 90 days.  But, we suspect since it's so close to the beginning of a new school year, they're trying to speed up the process right now.

Or maybe they just have nothing better to do.  If that means we get through the process faster - so be it.

So, our inspection is tomorrow and thank goodness there's jut a bit of cleaning/organizing to do to get ready for such a thing.

In the mean time, we've also been reviewing placement opportunities.  We said yes to one - a respite care option for a couple of days next week - but it's already fallen through.  We're considering a few others right now.  (Which I should probably respond to today.)

On top of that, our social worker was also able to gain some traction on a few of the adoption options we talked about long before she went on leave.  We're trying to press forward with one girl (11) at the moment, though of course as we're interested - so is another family.  So, I don't know what's going to happen there, but I'm hopeful.

The Waiting Game

We're at the point of all processes where all we can do is wait.  I mean, that's not exactly true, as there's always tasks I can find for us at the house to do - clean, move furniture, decorate, lock stuff up, rearrange, ect.  But, that's on us, and for the most part it's all done -- the rest is just restless maneuvering.

From the actual process standpoint, both for adoption and foster care, we're waiting.  And it's grueling.

Our paperwork is complete and should have been turned in so that we can get our temporary foster care license.  And then potentially, we'll start taking in kids.  Which honestly, I'm both excited and terrified to do.  Four of the six kids we asked about adopting are still available -- we're just waiting for our family profiles to be reviewed.  Possibly, their workers will take one look at our information and then pass on us.  Or, if we're lucky, we'll have the chance to choose between all four, but I'm thinking that's unlikely.

We did learn that the first girl we asked about adopting is still in a holding process.  Her worker was considering another family, but it's possible we're still on the list.  I'm not holding out a lot of hope on that front, but it's hard to forget it entirely.

It's disappointing how much of both processes are just waiting around.  I mean at this point, I'm afraid we'll have to work on Re-Licensing before we ever have any kids in our house.

Ups and Downs

It's really hard to describe what the last month has been like.  Last time I posted, I talked about the decision my husband and I had made to try and work to adopt a child currently in foster care.  We went through the painstaking process of reviewing the profiles of dozens of kids from the state website (which in itself is a process not dissimilar from searching for a pet on petfinder.com) and narrowing our choices down to the top 5 for both of us.  We figured out which kids matched for both of us, and submitted a request for a sweet-looking 9 year old girl.  While we waited, we told friends and family, bought furniture (generic, just in case) and steeled ourselves for the news.

It took three weeks for us to learn that the girl's worker didn't think we were a good match for us.  We didn't get a lot of reasons, just a vague sort of reply.  Not having any interaction with the girl or her worker means we don't really know if it was her or us, or just one of those things that happens, but it was pretty devastating all the same.  We talked with our worker, and she encouraged us to apply for several kids at a time, so that we might have better luck.  Within a few days, we'd gone through the process again (quicker and with keener eyes for "buzz words") and resubmitted for six kids (two of whom our sibilings).  It's been two weeks since we did that, and are still waiting for replies.

In the mean time, our worker talked to us about two little girls that will soon be in need of adoptive homes.  They were younger than we've been looking, but we were definitely interested so we set up time with their current foster parents to meet them.  Unfortunately, we had to go through hard decision after our meeting of deciding whether we'd be the right home for them, and ultimately we were planning to say no.  However, due to other circumstances, in the two days it took us to make a decision, we found out that the girls would need to be taken separately, which while sad, was good news for us.

I was on the phone with their foster mother, my worker and my husband, all in an effort to see if we could find a way to make it work for us to take over the fostership for the youngest of the two girls before she was taken from the current foster family.  Unfortunately, there was no way for my husband and I to actually finish the process in a time period that would've worked for her, or for her social worker.  And she's been removed from one foster home and placed with another in the past few days.  It's a long-shot, but our foster worker has said that she will try and keep in touch with the girl's worker, and maybe when she's available for adoption in a few months, we'll be able to try again.  However, that's not stopping our current forward momentum.

We've had family over in the past week to help us clean and organize and move our whole house around so we can finish up the foster care process.  Not being able to take that little girl is heartbreaking, and knowing that we could've changed that had we already been licensed -- well, it's a giant kick in the pants to stay motivated.

Shopping for Kids

So, it's been a few weeks, but things are moving in an exciting new direction.  I heard back from our worker, and ended up speaking with her supervisor.  We found out that the agency we're working with for Foster Care, also handles the adoption website for our state, and our worker's supervisor also handles that team of people.  She talked me through some of the steps and we found out that we were in the perfect place to switch gears, and try to move forward with the adoption process first.

The first part of the process was looking for a child we'd be interested in.  She directed me back to the website where there are dozens (probably 100+) kids listed that are currently in Foster Care and waiting for an actual home.  She told us to find a kid we were interested in, hit the "I'm Interested" button next to their picture when we found one, and then things would proceed forward.

I also talked to her a bit about price and learned that while domestic (even in-state) adoption of infants can run upwards of $30k, adopting a kid from Foster Care has a nearly negligible fee.  The only real fee is the one to finalize all the legal paperwork, and in some cases (depending on the child) the agency or the state will reimburse the legal fees.  So for what will probably be far less than the average of a grand or so for legal fees, we could be proud new parents to a child currently in Foster Care.  We were pretty shocked.  Not too mention, despite the years it can take for infant adoption, for a kid from Foster Care, we might only be talking a few months or so.

It's a lot to take in all at once, that we could go from potential Foster Parents to actual Adoptive Parents in no time at all.  But, we know it's a good choice for us, though we will not be stopping the foster process even as we adopt.

We took two weeks to pour over the website, both together and separately.  Sadly, it's set up a little like PetFinder.com and we actually had to stop a few times to make sense of it.  There's a picture of a kid with their age, race and a small bio.  You click on their name and it takes you to a larger version of the picture, with a paragraph or so about them (including what tend to become recognized as keywords for potential behavior issues).  We settled on a large list of 25 - 30 kids.  Then, we took the list and came up with our own separate Top 5 lists.  We got together, looked at each other's Top 5s and realized that we had 2 similar matches.  We talked about it, and decided on one - a 9 year old girl.

I verified with our agency that even though we're not Foster Parents yet that we could continue working through them, and as soon as they said yes, I hit that "I'm Interested" button next to the girl's picture.

Now, while the workers hash out between them whether or not we're a decent match, we wait.

Changing our Minds

Since the second half of that family assessment, the one in which we talked about communication constantly, we've continued to talk about the process at home and with our friends and family.  And my husband and I came to a decision that we might want to adjust our thinking, adjust our plans.

When we first started talking about Foster and Adoption, the idea was to do Fostering first.  I have a heart for older kids in Foster Care that often get overlooked because of their age.  It breaks my heart to know that a lot of these kids are never adopted, and are just sort of left to their own devices after they turn 18 and graduate high school.  There are programs to help them make the adjustment from kid in Foster Care to adult out on their own, but they're underutilized, and I think with reason.  I can't imagine that if I'd spent the majority of my childhood in the state system, that'd I'd want to stick around for advice on how to be an adult from that system.

Anyhow, so, when we first started talking about Foster Care, it was with those older kids in mind.  Granted, we want to get licensed for kids 0-18, because it's not all about teenagers, we just want to help kids that need homes and parents.  But, those teens have never been far from my mind.  And the second half of that family assessment, in which our worker asked us question after question about how we'd parent a kid in our home, questions we had no real answers to because we've never been parents before...those have stuck with us in the past weeks.

It's made us reevaluate the process, and the path we thought we'd decided upon.  So, after a little bit of research about in-state adoption of kids in the foster program, I sent an email to our worker to ask what the adoption process really entails.  Our thinking now is that while we still really want to do the Foster program, and finishing up the licensing to be foster parents, we might want to go the adoption route first.  I'd always thought that adoption - no matter what the age/situation of the child - might cost tens of thousands of dollars.  After a little digging, I see that might not be the case (though I'm waiting for confirmation from our worker about that).

If that's true, the fact that we're at the point in the process where we could start looking for a kid to join our family now?  Well that's pretty exciting.

Sharing the News

When you're taking the MAPP class, you're encouraged to talk to people about your decision to Foster/Adopt. Part of the whole process is about addressing what you're doing and why. It came as a surprise to me to find out how hesitant people were to share their decisions with family and friends. Is there such a stigma about fostering or adopting children that people don't want to talk about it? I hope not, I don't think so. I think maybe there's a combination of embarrassment with a little bit of self-esteem issues, because inevitably one of the first questions you're going to be asked when people find out is "Why?". People want to know why you're planning to foster or adopt. But, it was a surprise to me how many people don't share with friends and family that they're considering Foster or Adoption until they're a long way into the process.

For us, we talk about EVERYTHING all the time.  It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't talk about our decisions with our friends and family.  Answering questions from friends and family can be difficult for various reasons: they don't know the process, they don't understand why you're doing it, or they don't even think you should do it.  Whatever the reason, getting it out in the open and having that dialogue with friends and family can help you think more about the process, even when comments are negative.

We had the second half of our family assessment with our new worker recently, and this idea of communication came up OVER AND OVER again.  I think we answered over half of the questions with something like: "We'll talk about it".  Many of the questions in the second half of the assessment were all about how we might parent, or how we might react to certain behaviors or types of kids, ect.  But, not having kids, almost all of our answers were about communication - we'll figure it out by talking to each other, using the family and friend resources we having, and talking to whatever kid is in our home about whatever the situation is.

Here's the list as it currently stands:
- Copy of my Drivers License (Emailing this to her today)
- Pet Vaccination Records for Jazz
- Sample Menu (NEW from worker 12/2) (Emailed worker to get this form)
- Vehicle Mechanical Check (NEW from worker 12/2) (Slightly annoyed about this requirement since I live in a state that does not require checks for vehicle licensing, so it's not something I have laying around, which means we have to spend time & money to get it done.)
- Copy of Taxes from this year or last year (NEW from worker 1/4) (depending on how long it takes us to get this year's done) (didn't need these after all)
Then there's the classes that still remain: 
- CPR & First Aid training (someplace that will give us a physical paper certificate when we finish training)- 2 classes through the website (Matt's done one of these, I haven't done either, but I signed up for both of them yesterday.)

Post Meeting

Our new worker is a fresh face. I'm pretty sure that she's younger than both my husband and I, which means she's got to be early-twenties. I'm also guessing that she's extremely new to her job, because she didn't know a lot of the reasons behind why they needed certain information from us.

Here's one of the most frustrating parts of this paperwork part of the progress: they always need more, and you never just get one big list of what they need.

When our first (the one we had while we were still in class) worker gave us a pile of paperwork. On top of the paperwork was a checklist of things they'd need from us - basically anything that was in that pile that needed to be turned in, the classes we had to take, and the copies of our things (licences, insurance, fingerprints) they'd need.

Since then, we've been asked for several additional things that were never on that original list. I point of fact, my checklist is complete (as far as paperwork goes) but there's still more things I have to turn in.

Here's the list as it currently stands:
- Copy of my Drivers License (Emailing this to her today)
- Pet Vaccination Records for Jazz
- Sample Menu (NEW from worker 12/2) (Emailed worker to get this form)
- Vehicle Mechanical Check (NEW from worker 12/2) (Slightly annoyed about this requirement since I live in a state that does not require checks for vehicle licensing, so it's not something I have laying around, which means we have to spend time & money to get it done.)
- Copy of Taxes from this year or last year (NEW from worker 1/4) (depending on how long it takes us to get this year's done)

Then there's the classes that still remain:
- CPR & First Aid training (someplace that will give us a physical paper certificate when we finish training)
- 2 classes through the website (Matt's done one of these, I haven't done either, but I signed up for both of them yesterday.)

While she was here yesterday, we learned that she didn't know how many workers we'd already had. She has no clue why they want our taxes, only that they do. She informed us that the fingerprint records aren't actually for Foster Care, they're for the contracting company that does the safety walkthrough on the house (when we get to that part).

We also started what they call our "Family Assessment" which is a LONG talk about our individual families, history, childhoods, education - everything. It's supposed to give a more well-rounded look at how you're family relationships and own personal history has changed and influenced who you are today. The biggest problem doing this last night for both of us was that the questions are EXTREMELY vague.

"What are your values and beliefs?"
ABOUT WHAT? That's not a real question, though I have a feeling that there's a large sub-section of people out there with certain religious values, or "American" values that have no problem rattling off a list of generic values/beliefs. Now, if you ask me a specific question, I'll give you a better answer.

I'm also willing to assume that a more experienced worker would have a better idea of what kind of answers they're looking for and be able to ask more leading follow-up questions to get more specific answers out of people like me.

We got through the extreme mess that is my family and history, did a bit about our relationship and stuff as a couple, and then she quickly ran through the family and history questions for my husband - his is much easier to get through. According to the worker, we still have a bit more to get through. It took about an hour and a half last night, and we've probably got about an hour and a half of Q&A left to get through.

2011 is a New (and Different) Year (we hope)

Tomorrow, my husband and I have a meeting with our 4th Foster Care Worker. Fourth. It's a little disheartening that it's taken this long to get a meeting set-up with her. Especially after I emailed her three or four times in the process of transferring from our previous worker and verifying our to do list, and she never once emailed me back. She called like two weeks ago and only mentioned that she'd seen the emails after I prodded about them, but didn't give an excuse to why she hadn't been in touch sooner.

Anyway. So this means that we've got a worker that I'm already feeling a bit antagonistic against and we've still got outstanding paperwork to do. Paperwork and the 2 web classes we have to do are on tonight's agenda.

Here's the list as it stands, with notes:

- Paper with Dimension for the Bedroom, and the window in the bedroom
- Copies of Matt's Drivers License and Insurance, Copy of my Drivers License and Insurance (doing this now at work to take home)
- Pet Vaccination Records for Sekhi & Sebastian (the Cats), Piper & Jazz (the Dogs) (Found the cat's, still need Jazz's.)
- Emergency Contact List still needs a hospital phone number (I think?)
- 3 Paystubs to prove Matt's employment (he can print these out at work today)
- Marriage License (So much easier to find than I thought it'd be.)
- Sample Menu (NEW from worker 12/2) (I imagine this is going to be fairly easy, I'll have to print out the form the third worker sent us to find out what they really want to know.)
- Vehicle Mechanical Check (NEW from worker 12/2) (Slightly annoyed about this requirement since I live in a state that does not require checks for vehicle licensing, so it's not something I have laying around, which means we have to spend time & money to get it done.)

Then there's the classes that still remain:
- CPR & First Aid training (someplace that will give us a physical paper certificate when we finish training)
- 2 classes through the website (Matt's done one of these, I haven't done either. Should only take an hour or so for each. Will have to track down the links to the site.)

I have ONE goal for this year. And that's to finish this process - the whole thing. I want to be licensed before the end of 2011.