We've had H for more than a month now, and I realized I haven't really talked any about what we're doing. I mean, things are going very well. We haven't had any real issues with her and my husband and I really love this kid. She's great.
But, part of why I started this blog in the first place was for people to see what the real process is of having a kid in your home.
We had an incident last week that got me thinking about this. More specifically we had a moment with H when she was about to tell us something bad that happened to her and she expressed genuine worry that when she told us what had happened that it was going to change how we felt about her. We've managed to gain a level of respect from her, and she values what we think of her. I can't say from experience, but I do know from what I've heard about fostering teenagers, this is a little rare to have after such a short period of time.
The discussion we had showed us how much she has already grown to appreciate the type of parents we are, and we had the opportunity to give her love that she's been missing. She was very afraid we would somehow like her less if we knew what had happened, even though she was the victim in the situation. Afterward, my husband and I were both struck by how meaningful this was -- this is a girl that within the first week at other foster homes has caused or gotten into some kind of trouble, not a girl that worries about what her foster parents think of her. And we're new at this. Yet, our opinion of her is already very important.
I have some thoughts about what we've done so far that's helped get us to here.
When she first came to us, that very first night, we let her talk about whatever she wanted. She was happy to be alone in a foster house for the first time and while my husband and I both commented that she was very eager to please - or be pleasing - but I think more likely, she was very eager to feel she fit in to a family that would be willing to keep her. So obviously, this isn't all us - but she had to have some willingness to make it happen as well (which she has in spades).
However, we've also been at times both welcoming and distant. We include her in everything - and that means as much communications about our lives and plans as we would include anyone in. My husband and I are very communication driven in our relationship - we need to talk things out a lot and this has helped a lot with H, in that she's seen us talking, and been involved in the discussions. These conversations are about everything - friends, shopping, cooking, work. She's 15, and certainly has a mature head on her shoulders.
It's also encouraged by social workers that older foster kids get experience in shopping and budgeting and how to run a household. So these things work two-fold in getting her experience & integrating her into our house.
We're also pretty liberal as far as what kind of TV shows or music is allowed. We're younger of course, which helps, but even if we didn't like it - she does. Us not liking something (for instance she loves watching Law and Order, and I can't stand the show) doesn't make her interest less valid, just because she's a teenager, or because she's a foster kid. That sort of freedom - as long as she talks to us about things has gotten us pretty far.
But we try and remain distant at times so she can go out or hang outside with her friends. Sometimes she stays after school with friends, she talks walks in the neighborhood by herself. We worked up to this things a half-hour to an hour at a time, as long as she texted me every time to tell me where she was/when she would be back. This communication has given us a bit of trust that she's going to respond to us when we need her to, and given her a bit of responsibility over her person (and her phone).
I could talk more about this, and maybe in another month I'll make another post about it. But, the other thing I wanted to touch on is that yes, we did buy her a cell phone. Some kids in foster care, pay for their own. We happen to be in a situation where we could get service for very cheap by adding her to one of our existing plans. So, we did. This, along with some other things (school clothes & supplies) that she's used to being told no to, or having to pay for herself were extra things we knew we could do- and wanted to do that have helped endear us to her. It's not always going to be something we can do, no matter how much we want to. But, just in these little material things, we were able to show her that she was more than just a foster kid, a helping hand, or a paycheck. (All of which she's experienced.)
So she does have a cell phone. We were honest with her about the minutes and text she has available and she does not abuse it. I also think this could be an age generation thing - I think it's perfectly legit for a 15 year old to have a cell phone these days. And the way it keeps us talking to, at school, when she's at a friends, when she's out on her own, or just upstairs - they're all ways that keep us actually talking.
Talking, is vital.
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