We've had H for more than a month now, and I realized I haven't really talked any about what we're doing. I mean, things are going very well. We haven't had any real issues with her and my husband and I really love this kid. She's great.
But, part of why I started this blog in the first place was for people to see what the real process is of having a kid in your home.
We had an incident last week that got me thinking about this. More specifically we had a moment with H when she was about to tell us something bad that happened to her and she expressed genuine worry that when she told us what had happened that it was going to change how we felt about her. We've managed to gain a level of respect from her, and she values what we think of her. I can't say from experience, but I do know from what I've heard about fostering teenagers, this is a little rare to have after such a short period of time.
The discussion we had showed us how much she has already grown to appreciate the type of parents we are, and we had the opportunity to give her love that she's been missing. She was very afraid we would somehow like her less if we knew what had happened, even though she was the victim in the situation. Afterward, my husband and I were both struck by how meaningful this was -- this is a girl that within the first week at other foster homes has caused or gotten into some kind of trouble, not a girl that worries about what her foster parents think of her. And we're new at this. Yet, our opinion of her is already very important.
I have some thoughts about what we've done so far that's helped get us to here.
When she first came to us, that very first night, we let her talk about whatever she wanted. She was happy to be alone in a foster house for the first time and while my husband and I both commented that she was very eager to please - or be pleasing - but I think more likely, she was very eager to feel she fit in to a family that would be willing to keep her. So obviously, this isn't all us - but she had to have some willingness to make it happen as well (which she has in spades).
However, we've also been at times both welcoming and distant. We include her in everything - and that means as much communications about our lives and plans as we would include anyone in. My husband and I are very communication driven in our relationship - we need to talk things out a lot and this has helped a lot with H, in that she's seen us talking, and been involved in the discussions. These conversations are about everything - friends, shopping, cooking, work. She's 15, and certainly has a mature head on her shoulders.
It's also encouraged by social workers that older foster kids get experience in shopping and budgeting and how to run a household. So these things work two-fold in getting her experience & integrating her into our house.
We're also pretty liberal as far as what kind of TV shows or music is allowed. We're younger of course, which helps, but even if we didn't like it - she does. Us not liking something (for instance she loves watching Law and Order, and I can't stand the show) doesn't make her interest less valid, just because she's a teenager, or because she's a foster kid. That sort of freedom - as long as she talks to us about things has gotten us pretty far.
But we try and remain distant at times so she can go out or hang outside with her friends. Sometimes she stays after school with friends, she talks walks in the neighborhood by herself. We worked up to this things a half-hour to an hour at a time, as long as she texted me every time to tell me where she was/when she would be back. This communication has given us a bit of trust that she's going to respond to us when we need her to, and given her a bit of responsibility over her person (and her phone).
I could talk more about this, and maybe in another month I'll make another post about it. But, the other thing I wanted to touch on is that yes, we did buy her a cell phone. Some kids in foster care, pay for their own. We happen to be in a situation where we could get service for very cheap by adding her to one of our existing plans. So, we did. This, along with some other things (school clothes & supplies) that she's used to being told no to, or having to pay for herself were extra things we knew we could do- and wanted to do that have helped endear us to her. It's not always going to be something we can do, no matter how much we want to. But, just in these little material things, we were able to show her that she was more than just a foster kid, a helping hand, or a paycheck. (All of which she's experienced.)
So she does have a cell phone. We were honest with her about the minutes and text she has available and she does not abuse it. I also think this could be an age generation thing - I think it's perfectly legit for a 15 year old to have a cell phone these days. And the way it keeps us talking to, at school, when she's at a friends, when she's out on her own, or just upstairs - they're all ways that keep us actually talking.
Talking, is vital.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A (long) word, about the word "Special"
I've been hearing this word A LOT lately, and specifically in relation to our foster parenting. More specifically in how the fact that I am a foster parent, I am somehow, a special person.
Often in my life, I've been told I come off as a standoffish person. That's probably the kindest of the similar comments about first impressions people have when they meet me in person. It means, I'm not necessarily open with my feelings or emotions or my body language when I meet people for the first time. And that typically it takes me a while to warm up to people. I don't think it's a bad thing, and most of the time, I pride myself on it - though it is still something I work on - pride because it means I care about how people treat me. It's defensive and protective, but my friends, the people that know that's not all about who I am, I'm told anyhow, take it as a sign of affection- of love- when I'm not that person with them anymore. This does not color how I view other people, if they treat me different, because I seem standoffish, I understand that - I've accepted that's part of who I am.
I say all that to explain, why the fact that perfect strangers telling me how special I am, bugs me. You don't know me. You don't know the type of person I am. And to be quite clear (if the above paragraph didn't make it so), I'm happy about that.
So, when a stranger: the parent's of one of H's friends, a distant co-worker, a school volunteer, a knitting student - tells me that I'm a special person for becoming a foster parent, it rankles me. And more often, I've found it makes me a little upset. A little... rant-y.
I understand the INTENT of the words. They think what I'm doing is a good thing. A commendable (to borrow the word from a friend) thing. But those are words about the concept of any foster parent, any person that is doing something to give help- to give hope, to a person (any person of any age) that needs it- that might not get it otherwise. What it implies but does not say, is the type of person I might be for becoming a foster parent. Because what's more, I understand that it's not something that just anyone can do, or is willing to do (but that's a different post).
However, when someone says I am- or it makes me (or my husband)- some how special people, I don't buy it. Because there's no way you can know what type of person I am. And in another fashion, calling me a special person- is applying a characteristic to me that I don't feel about what we're doing.
[As an aside: I want to say here that I appreciate that people's first comments, even stranger's, are to assume that I'm a good person generally speaking and not that I'm some creeper that is fostering for the money, or worse, for the kids. That's not what this is about. But, I do feel that there's a sort of social stigma about it - which I'm getting to, I promise - that I wanted to talk about here. It's not the assumption but what comes with it when it's vocalized.]
When someone says it's special, I'm special, we're special - what they're usually saying (implied by the phrase/s that usually follow) is that it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON to do what we're doing. I'm not sure what this magical 'special kind/type of person' really is, but I know from the class we took with myriad people willing to become foster and adoptive parents is that it takes: ALL KIND OF PEOPLE.
And further more, what usually follows, how special I/we are is how they - the person making the comment - could never DO what we're doing. "I just don't think I could do that" or "I don't know how you do it" or "I know I couldn't do that" or (and this is the one I hate) "I know you're a better person than me..." [because I couldn't/can't do it]. I'm not implying, or not trying to anyhow, that anyone CAN become a foster parent. Certainly, the states put enough regulations and requirements in one's way, that it takes a bit of willpower and motivation to get through them all to become a foster parent.
But that doesn't mean they're looking for certain types of homes, or people, or environments. And lets be honest, there wouldn't be such a stigma about fostering kids if there weren't so many horror stories (and sadly, too many of them are not just stories) about what can happen to kids when they're in foster homes.
So let me break something down for a minute (just to be clear). In my state in order to be a foster parent:
... a single person (that's right, you don't have to be married) only needs to make 10k a year [that's less- less than your average retail job, less than minimum wage] and a married couple only needs to make 12.5k a year [I understand - even as I look down the barrel of my own layoff - that saying this already comes with a stigma attached these days. It's hard to find and keep a job. But for people that have jobs, it doesn't have to be much]
... a person only needs to have one room available with a bed to take in a child (age appropriate bed) but depending on the ages and sex of the kids, one only needs one room to take in multiple children.
... the government pays for medical (physical/emotional treatment) and dental welfare
... you are reimbursed at least enough to make sure each kid has enough to eat, every day and school lunches are paid for separately from that
Now, those are just some basics. There are other considerations, like physical health (a doctor has to say it's okay for you to care for kids, but if you have a good doctor who understands your health conditions, this shouldn't be an issue - depending on the kids you want to take in) and stability and emotional well-being. It's not for everyone. But, there are so many people, who say it's not for them, and just don't understand that it CAN BE. And those people are usually the ones that say how SPECIAL I am. When I'm not.
These kids. They're what is special.
And they deserve every bit of anything you're willing to give them.
Often in my life, I've been told I come off as a standoffish person. That's probably the kindest of the similar comments about first impressions people have when they meet me in person. It means, I'm not necessarily open with my feelings or emotions or my body language when I meet people for the first time. And that typically it takes me a while to warm up to people. I don't think it's a bad thing, and most of the time, I pride myself on it - though it is still something I work on - pride because it means I care about how people treat me. It's defensive and protective, but my friends, the people that know that's not all about who I am, I'm told anyhow, take it as a sign of affection- of love- when I'm not that person with them anymore. This does not color how I view other people, if they treat me different, because I seem standoffish, I understand that - I've accepted that's part of who I am.
I say all that to explain, why the fact that perfect strangers telling me how special I am, bugs me. You don't know me. You don't know the type of person I am. And to be quite clear (if the above paragraph didn't make it so), I'm happy about that.
So, when a stranger: the parent's of one of H's friends, a distant co-worker, a school volunteer, a knitting student - tells me that I'm a special person for becoming a foster parent, it rankles me. And more often, I've found it makes me a little upset. A little... rant-y.
I understand the INTENT of the words. They think what I'm doing is a good thing. A commendable (to borrow the word from a friend) thing. But those are words about the concept of any foster parent, any person that is doing something to give help- to give hope, to a person (any person of any age) that needs it- that might not get it otherwise. What it implies but does not say, is the type of person I might be for becoming a foster parent. Because what's more, I understand that it's not something that just anyone can do, or is willing to do (but that's a different post).
However, when someone says I am- or it makes me (or my husband)- some how special people, I don't buy it. Because there's no way you can know what type of person I am. And in another fashion, calling me a special person- is applying a characteristic to me that I don't feel about what we're doing.
[As an aside: I want to say here that I appreciate that people's first comments, even stranger's, are to assume that I'm a good person generally speaking and not that I'm some creeper that is fostering for the money, or worse, for the kids. That's not what this is about. But, I do feel that there's a sort of social stigma about it - which I'm getting to, I promise - that I wanted to talk about here. It's not the assumption but what comes with it when it's vocalized.]
When someone says it's special, I'm special, we're special - what they're usually saying (implied by the phrase/s that usually follow) is that it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON to do what we're doing. I'm not sure what this magical 'special kind/type of person' really is, but I know from the class we took with myriad people willing to become foster and adoptive parents is that it takes: ALL KIND OF PEOPLE.
And further more, what usually follows, how special I/we are is how they - the person making the comment - could never DO what we're doing. "I just don't think I could do that" or "I don't know how you do it" or "I know I couldn't do that" or (and this is the one I hate) "I know you're a better person than me..." [because I couldn't/can't do it]. I'm not implying, or not trying to anyhow, that anyone CAN become a foster parent. Certainly, the states put enough regulations and requirements in one's way, that it takes a bit of willpower and motivation to get through them all to become a foster parent.
But that doesn't mean they're looking for certain types of homes, or people, or environments. And lets be honest, there wouldn't be such a stigma about fostering kids if there weren't so many horror stories (and sadly, too many of them are not just stories) about what can happen to kids when they're in foster homes.
So let me break something down for a minute (just to be clear). In my state in order to be a foster parent:
... a single person (that's right, you don't have to be married) only needs to make 10k a year [that's less- less than your average retail job, less than minimum wage] and a married couple only needs to make 12.5k a year [I understand - even as I look down the barrel of my own layoff - that saying this already comes with a stigma attached these days. It's hard to find and keep a job. But for people that have jobs, it doesn't have to be much]
... a person only needs to have one room available with a bed to take in a child (age appropriate bed) but depending on the ages and sex of the kids, one only needs one room to take in multiple children.
... the government pays for medical (physical/emotional treatment) and dental welfare
... you are reimbursed at least enough to make sure each kid has enough to eat, every day and school lunches are paid for separately from that
Now, those are just some basics. There are other considerations, like physical health (a doctor has to say it's okay for you to care for kids, but if you have a good doctor who understands your health conditions, this shouldn't be an issue - depending on the kids you want to take in) and stability and emotional well-being. It's not for everyone. But, there are so many people, who say it's not for them, and just don't understand that it CAN BE. And those people are usually the ones that say how SPECIAL I am. When I'm not.
These kids. They're what is special.
And they deserve every bit of anything you're willing to give them.
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