We've had H for more than a month now, and I realized I haven't really talked any about what we're doing. I mean, things are going very well. We haven't had any real issues with her and my husband and I really love this kid. She's great.
But, part of why I started this blog in the first place was for people to see what the real process is of having a kid in your home.
We had an incident last week that got me thinking about this. More specifically we had a moment with H when she was about to tell us something bad that happened to her and she expressed genuine worry that when she told us what had happened that it was going to change how we felt about her. We've managed to gain a level of respect from her, and she values what we think of her. I can't say from experience, but I do know from what I've heard about fostering teenagers, this is a little rare to have after such a short period of time.
The discussion we had showed us how much she has already grown to appreciate the type of parents we are, and we had the opportunity to give her love that she's been missing. She was very afraid we would somehow like her less if we knew what had happened, even though she was the victim in the situation. Afterward, my husband and I were both struck by how meaningful this was -- this is a girl that within the first week at other foster homes has caused or gotten into some kind of trouble, not a girl that worries about what her foster parents think of her. And we're new at this. Yet, our opinion of her is already very important.
I have some thoughts about what we've done so far that's helped get us to here.
When she first came to us, that very first night, we let her talk about whatever she wanted. She was happy to be alone in a foster house for the first time and while my husband and I both commented that she was very eager to please - or be pleasing - but I think more likely, she was very eager to feel she fit in to a family that would be willing to keep her. So obviously, this isn't all us - but she had to have some willingness to make it happen as well (which she has in spades).
However, we've also been at times both welcoming and distant. We include her in everything - and that means as much communications about our lives and plans as we would include anyone in. My husband and I are very communication driven in our relationship - we need to talk things out a lot and this has helped a lot with H, in that she's seen us talking, and been involved in the discussions. These conversations are about everything - friends, shopping, cooking, work. She's 15, and certainly has a mature head on her shoulders.
It's also encouraged by social workers that older foster kids get experience in shopping and budgeting and how to run a household. So these things work two-fold in getting her experience & integrating her into our house.
We're also pretty liberal as far as what kind of TV shows or music is allowed. We're younger of course, which helps, but even if we didn't like it - she does. Us not liking something (for instance she loves watching Law and Order, and I can't stand the show) doesn't make her interest less valid, just because she's a teenager, or because she's a foster kid. That sort of freedom - as long as she talks to us about things has gotten us pretty far.
But we try and remain distant at times so she can go out or hang outside with her friends. Sometimes she stays after school with friends, she talks walks in the neighborhood by herself. We worked up to this things a half-hour to an hour at a time, as long as she texted me every time to tell me where she was/when she would be back. This communication has given us a bit of trust that she's going to respond to us when we need her to, and given her a bit of responsibility over her person (and her phone).
I could talk more about this, and maybe in another month I'll make another post about it. But, the other thing I wanted to touch on is that yes, we did buy her a cell phone. Some kids in foster care, pay for their own. We happen to be in a situation where we could get service for very cheap by adding her to one of our existing plans. So, we did. This, along with some other things (school clothes & supplies) that she's used to being told no to, or having to pay for herself were extra things we knew we could do- and wanted to do that have helped endear us to her. It's not always going to be something we can do, no matter how much we want to. But, just in these little material things, we were able to show her that she was more than just a foster kid, a helping hand, or a paycheck. (All of which she's experienced.)
So she does have a cell phone. We were honest with her about the minutes and text she has available and she does not abuse it. I also think this could be an age generation thing - I think it's perfectly legit for a 15 year old to have a cell phone these days. And the way it keeps us talking to, at school, when she's at a friends, when she's out on her own, or just upstairs - they're all ways that keep us actually talking.
Talking, is vital.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A (long) word, about the word "Special"
I've been hearing this word A LOT lately, and specifically in relation to our foster parenting. More specifically in how the fact that I am a foster parent, I am somehow, a special person.
Often in my life, I've been told I come off as a standoffish person. That's probably the kindest of the similar comments about first impressions people have when they meet me in person. It means, I'm not necessarily open with my feelings or emotions or my body language when I meet people for the first time. And that typically it takes me a while to warm up to people. I don't think it's a bad thing, and most of the time, I pride myself on it - though it is still something I work on - pride because it means I care about how people treat me. It's defensive and protective, but my friends, the people that know that's not all about who I am, I'm told anyhow, take it as a sign of affection- of love- when I'm not that person with them anymore. This does not color how I view other people, if they treat me different, because I seem standoffish, I understand that - I've accepted that's part of who I am.
I say all that to explain, why the fact that perfect strangers telling me how special I am, bugs me. You don't know me. You don't know the type of person I am. And to be quite clear (if the above paragraph didn't make it so), I'm happy about that.
So, when a stranger: the parent's of one of H's friends, a distant co-worker, a school volunteer, a knitting student - tells me that I'm a special person for becoming a foster parent, it rankles me. And more often, I've found it makes me a little upset. A little... rant-y.
I understand the INTENT of the words. They think what I'm doing is a good thing. A commendable (to borrow the word from a friend) thing. But those are words about the concept of any foster parent, any person that is doing something to give help- to give hope, to a person (any person of any age) that needs it- that might not get it otherwise. What it implies but does not say, is the type of person I might be for becoming a foster parent. Because what's more, I understand that it's not something that just anyone can do, or is willing to do (but that's a different post).
However, when someone says I am- or it makes me (or my husband)- some how special people, I don't buy it. Because there's no way you can know what type of person I am. And in another fashion, calling me a special person- is applying a characteristic to me that I don't feel about what we're doing.
[As an aside: I want to say here that I appreciate that people's first comments, even stranger's, are to assume that I'm a good person generally speaking and not that I'm some creeper that is fostering for the money, or worse, for the kids. That's not what this is about. But, I do feel that there's a sort of social stigma about it - which I'm getting to, I promise - that I wanted to talk about here. It's not the assumption but what comes with it when it's vocalized.]
When someone says it's special, I'm special, we're special - what they're usually saying (implied by the phrase/s that usually follow) is that it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON to do what we're doing. I'm not sure what this magical 'special kind/type of person' really is, but I know from the class we took with myriad people willing to become foster and adoptive parents is that it takes: ALL KIND OF PEOPLE.
And further more, what usually follows, how special I/we are is how they - the person making the comment - could never DO what we're doing. "I just don't think I could do that" or "I don't know how you do it" or "I know I couldn't do that" or (and this is the one I hate) "I know you're a better person than me..." [because I couldn't/can't do it]. I'm not implying, or not trying to anyhow, that anyone CAN become a foster parent. Certainly, the states put enough regulations and requirements in one's way, that it takes a bit of willpower and motivation to get through them all to become a foster parent.
But that doesn't mean they're looking for certain types of homes, or people, or environments. And lets be honest, there wouldn't be such a stigma about fostering kids if there weren't so many horror stories (and sadly, too many of them are not just stories) about what can happen to kids when they're in foster homes.
So let me break something down for a minute (just to be clear). In my state in order to be a foster parent:
... a single person (that's right, you don't have to be married) only needs to make 10k a year [that's less- less than your average retail job, less than minimum wage] and a married couple only needs to make 12.5k a year [I understand - even as I look down the barrel of my own layoff - that saying this already comes with a stigma attached these days. It's hard to find and keep a job. But for people that have jobs, it doesn't have to be much]
... a person only needs to have one room available with a bed to take in a child (age appropriate bed) but depending on the ages and sex of the kids, one only needs one room to take in multiple children.
... the government pays for medical (physical/emotional treatment) and dental welfare
... you are reimbursed at least enough to make sure each kid has enough to eat, every day and school lunches are paid for separately from that
Now, those are just some basics. There are other considerations, like physical health (a doctor has to say it's okay for you to care for kids, but if you have a good doctor who understands your health conditions, this shouldn't be an issue - depending on the kids you want to take in) and stability and emotional well-being. It's not for everyone. But, there are so many people, who say it's not for them, and just don't understand that it CAN BE. And those people are usually the ones that say how SPECIAL I am. When I'm not.
These kids. They're what is special.
And they deserve every bit of anything you're willing to give them.
Often in my life, I've been told I come off as a standoffish person. That's probably the kindest of the similar comments about first impressions people have when they meet me in person. It means, I'm not necessarily open with my feelings or emotions or my body language when I meet people for the first time. And that typically it takes me a while to warm up to people. I don't think it's a bad thing, and most of the time, I pride myself on it - though it is still something I work on - pride because it means I care about how people treat me. It's defensive and protective, but my friends, the people that know that's not all about who I am, I'm told anyhow, take it as a sign of affection- of love- when I'm not that person with them anymore. This does not color how I view other people, if they treat me different, because I seem standoffish, I understand that - I've accepted that's part of who I am.
I say all that to explain, why the fact that perfect strangers telling me how special I am, bugs me. You don't know me. You don't know the type of person I am. And to be quite clear (if the above paragraph didn't make it so), I'm happy about that.
So, when a stranger: the parent's of one of H's friends, a distant co-worker, a school volunteer, a knitting student - tells me that I'm a special person for becoming a foster parent, it rankles me. And more often, I've found it makes me a little upset. A little... rant-y.
I understand the INTENT of the words. They think what I'm doing is a good thing. A commendable (to borrow the word from a friend) thing. But those are words about the concept of any foster parent, any person that is doing something to give help- to give hope, to a person (any person of any age) that needs it- that might not get it otherwise. What it implies but does not say, is the type of person I might be for becoming a foster parent. Because what's more, I understand that it's not something that just anyone can do, or is willing to do (but that's a different post).
However, when someone says I am- or it makes me (or my husband)- some how special people, I don't buy it. Because there's no way you can know what type of person I am. And in another fashion, calling me a special person- is applying a characteristic to me that I don't feel about what we're doing.
[As an aside: I want to say here that I appreciate that people's first comments, even stranger's, are to assume that I'm a good person generally speaking and not that I'm some creeper that is fostering for the money, or worse, for the kids. That's not what this is about. But, I do feel that there's a sort of social stigma about it - which I'm getting to, I promise - that I wanted to talk about here. It's not the assumption but what comes with it when it's vocalized.]
When someone says it's special, I'm special, we're special - what they're usually saying (implied by the phrase/s that usually follow) is that it takes a SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON to do what we're doing. I'm not sure what this magical 'special kind/type of person' really is, but I know from the class we took with myriad people willing to become foster and adoptive parents is that it takes: ALL KIND OF PEOPLE.
And further more, what usually follows, how special I/we are is how they - the person making the comment - could never DO what we're doing. "I just don't think I could do that" or "I don't know how you do it" or "I know I couldn't do that" or (and this is the one I hate) "I know you're a better person than me..." [because I couldn't/can't do it]. I'm not implying, or not trying to anyhow, that anyone CAN become a foster parent. Certainly, the states put enough regulations and requirements in one's way, that it takes a bit of willpower and motivation to get through them all to become a foster parent.
But that doesn't mean they're looking for certain types of homes, or people, or environments. And lets be honest, there wouldn't be such a stigma about fostering kids if there weren't so many horror stories (and sadly, too many of them are not just stories) about what can happen to kids when they're in foster homes.
So let me break something down for a minute (just to be clear). In my state in order to be a foster parent:
... a single person (that's right, you don't have to be married) only needs to make 10k a year [that's less- less than your average retail job, less than minimum wage] and a married couple only needs to make 12.5k a year [I understand - even as I look down the barrel of my own layoff - that saying this already comes with a stigma attached these days. It's hard to find and keep a job. But for people that have jobs, it doesn't have to be much]
... a person only needs to have one room available with a bed to take in a child (age appropriate bed) but depending on the ages and sex of the kids, one only needs one room to take in multiple children.
... the government pays for medical (physical/emotional treatment) and dental welfare
... you are reimbursed at least enough to make sure each kid has enough to eat, every day and school lunches are paid for separately from that
Now, those are just some basics. There are other considerations, like physical health (a doctor has to say it's okay for you to care for kids, but if you have a good doctor who understands your health conditions, this shouldn't be an issue - depending on the kids you want to take in) and stability and emotional well-being. It's not for everyone. But, there are so many people, who say it's not for them, and just don't understand that it CAN BE. And those people are usually the ones that say how SPECIAL I am. When I'm not.
These kids. They're what is special.
And they deserve every bit of anything you're willing to give them.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The First Week (ish) with H
Things are still going very well. I suspect some of this has to do with the fact that we have to get H enrolled into school. First we were waiting on the placement agreement from her work, then my worker, then her worker, you get the picture. We got that first thing yesterday morning, but her previous school hasn't yet faxed over the transcripts to the new school, and that's the last thing we're working on.
While we wait, there's been lots of me working at home (thankfully I can do this for a little while longer) and her watching TV or playing on the Xbox. Neither of which bother me or my husband too much, since we know she needs the relaxing time to settle into the house, she's respectful of time and hasn't been demanding in anyway. And when she DOES start school, we know she's going to be a little overwhelmed time-wise as she works to catch up and then dives proper-like into classes/assignments/ect.
So far, the biggest frustration has been waiting on paperwork - like an open-ended form so that we can take her five minutes away (across state lines). It seems like such a small thing, but all our family lives on the other side of that state line that's just a few minutes from our house. So, we have to have that form before we could legally take her just about anywhere we wanted to go - and we didn't get that until late Monday afternoon, which made that first weekend a little frustrating.
While we wait, there's been lots of me working at home (thankfully I can do this for a little while longer) and her watching TV or playing on the Xbox. Neither of which bother me or my husband too much, since we know she needs the relaxing time to settle into the house, she's respectful of time and hasn't been demanding in anyway. And when she DOES start school, we know she's going to be a little overwhelmed time-wise as she works to catch up and then dives proper-like into classes/assignments/ect.
So far, the biggest frustration has been waiting on paperwork - like an open-ended form so that we can take her five minutes away (across state lines). It seems like such a small thing, but all our family lives on the other side of that state line that's just a few minutes from our house. So, we have to have that form before we could legally take her just about anywhere we wanted to go - and we didn't get that until late Monday afternoon, which made that first weekend a little frustrating.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The First Kid: H
So, yesterday, one of the workers at our agency, sent us two referrals - two teenage girls. Both of them seemed acceptable to us, so we asked about the first one. She's a foster-to-adopt opportunity, so we were more willing to try that out (since ultimately we'd like to adopt).
She's 15 (half my age) and though I've only spent a few hours with her, she seems like a generally good and good-natured kid. From the paperwork I've gone through, it looks like her previous foster parents may have been on the strict and conservative side of things - and this girl has been sexually active for a few years, so it looks like that was a problem for them.
My husband and I feel much less strange about that sort of thing - it's a generational and moral belief difference obviously, but we feel pretty well equipped to handle it.
Yesterday all-in-all was a pretty strange day. The request for placement came early, but the call that she was coming to us, took a few hours. Then, she's coming from halfway across the state, so we had to wait for a worker to drive her to us (about 4 hours I think). So she came in late last night, and arrived with a LOT of things, which I hadn't been expecting.
Right now, things have gone well. She seems eager to please - maybe a little more so than is normal - we're told there can be a sort of 'honeymoon' phase with some kids where they'll fit in well and be eager to please, and then start testing once they feel more comfortable. Since she's not from the area, we're going to have to take a few days to get her enrolled in school and everything.
It's awkward right now - or I feel like it is - I don't want to hover. And I know I can't 'make' her feel comfortable, but I think that she's adjusting well.
She's 15 (half my age) and though I've only spent a few hours with her, she seems like a generally good and good-natured kid. From the paperwork I've gone through, it looks like her previous foster parents may have been on the strict and conservative side of things - and this girl has been sexually active for a few years, so it looks like that was a problem for them.
My husband and I feel much less strange about that sort of thing - it's a generational and moral belief difference obviously, but we feel pretty well equipped to handle it.
Yesterday all-in-all was a pretty strange day. The request for placement came early, but the call that she was coming to us, took a few hours. Then, she's coming from halfway across the state, so we had to wait for a worker to drive her to us (about 4 hours I think). So she came in late last night, and arrived with a LOT of things, which I hadn't been expecting.
Right now, things have gone well. She seems eager to please - maybe a little more so than is normal - we're told there can be a sort of 'honeymoon' phase with some kids where they'll fit in well and be eager to please, and then start testing once they feel more comfortable. Since she's not from the area, we're going to have to take a few days to get her enrolled in school and everything.
It's awkward right now - or I feel like it is - I don't want to hover. And I know I can't 'make' her feel comfortable, but I think that she's adjusting well.
Monday, August 15, 2011
We're Official
Our official walkthrough went amazingly well. There's always horror stories about how hard it is to pass on the first time without a bunch of corrections. We had two minor things that she didn't count us off for, just mentioned that we'll want to take care of those things before we get placements at the ages where they would matter. She wrote them down, but they won't stop us from getting our 0-18 license.
What I liked is that even though our worker did the same thing - this lady was able to sit down with me and talk me through all the regulations (or groups of regulations) and when I asked questions she had good answers, which our worker doesn't always have. They each have their strengths, but when talking about regulations specifically, this was very helpful to me - and will be helpful later as we actually start taking placements.
So, that all said, we're official and our license should come in the mail very soon.
We have started receiving some emails about placements. We tried to take two different girls (both older, one 11, one 17) but both were placed before we responded. We've had several other emails about other kids, mostly boys that we've turned down for one reason or another. For our first placement specifically, my husband and I are really, really trying to find someone that's a good fit for us, not just take the first kid that comes along. It's a little stressful thinking I can't help all of these kids but I'd rather say no up front than have to tell the agency we can't handle a kid and they have to go back. These kids have so much upset in their lives, I feel like that would be worse than not taking them at all.
What I liked is that even though our worker did the same thing - this lady was able to sit down with me and talk me through all the regulations (or groups of regulations) and when I asked questions she had good answers, which our worker doesn't always have. They each have their strengths, but when talking about regulations specifically, this was very helpful to me - and will be helpful later as we actually start taking placements.
So, that all said, we're official and our license should come in the mail very soon.
We have started receiving some emails about placements. We tried to take two different girls (both older, one 11, one 17) but both were placed before we responded. We've had several other emails about other kids, mostly boys that we've turned down for one reason or another. For our first placement specifically, my husband and I are really, really trying to find someone that's a good fit for us, not just take the first kid that comes along. It's a little stressful thinking I can't help all of these kids but I'd rather say no up front than have to tell the agency we can't handle a kid and they have to go back. These kids have so much upset in their lives, I feel like that would be worse than not taking them at all.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Foster Care Updates
Since our social worker came back from her temporary leave, things have moved at a head-spinningly quick clip. Our temporary license for Foster Care arrived two weeks ago. Then, last week, as the husband and I were packing up for a small vacation, we got the call for our official inspection. Traditionally (and our temp. license paperwork said something to this effect) the time between temporary licensing and the official inspection by the health department can take 60 - 90 days. But, we suspect since it's so close to the beginning of a new school year, they're trying to speed up the process right now.
Or maybe they just have nothing better to do. If that means we get through the process faster - so be it.
So, our inspection is tomorrow and thank goodness there's jut a bit of cleaning/organizing to do to get ready for such a thing.
In the mean time, we've also been reviewing placement opportunities. We said yes to one - a respite care option for a couple of days next week - but it's already fallen through. We're considering a few others right now. (Which I should probably respond to today.)
On top of that, our social worker was also able to gain some traction on a few of the adoption options we talked about long before she went on leave. We're trying to press forward with one girl (11) at the moment, though of course as we're interested - so is another family. So, I don't know what's going to happen there, but I'm hopeful.
Or maybe they just have nothing better to do. If that means we get through the process faster - so be it.
So, our inspection is tomorrow and thank goodness there's jut a bit of cleaning/organizing to do to get ready for such a thing.
In the mean time, we've also been reviewing placement opportunities. We said yes to one - a respite care option for a couple of days next week - but it's already fallen through. We're considering a few others right now. (Which I should probably respond to today.)
On top of that, our social worker was also able to gain some traction on a few of the adoption options we talked about long before she went on leave. We're trying to press forward with one girl (11) at the moment, though of course as we're interested - so is another family. So, I don't know what's going to happen there, but I'm hopeful.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Waiting Game
We're at the point of all processes where all we can do is wait. I mean, that's not exactly true, as there's always tasks I can find for us at the house to do - clean, move furniture, decorate, lock stuff up, rearrange, ect. But, that's on us, and for the most part it's all done -- the rest is just restless maneuvering.
From the actual process standpoint, both for adoption and foster care, we're waiting. And it's grueling.
Our paperwork is complete and should have been turned in so that we can get our temporary foster care license. And then potentially, we'll start taking in kids. Which honestly, I'm both excited and terrified to do. Four of the six kids we asked about adopting are still available -- we're just waiting for our family profiles to be reviewed. Possibly, their workers will take one look at our information and then pass on us. Or, if we're lucky, we'll have the chance to choose between all four, but I'm thinking that's unlikely.
We did learn that the first girl we asked about adopting is still in a holding process. Her worker was considering another family, but it's possible we're still on the list. I'm not holding out a lot of hope on that front, but it's hard to forget it entirely.
It's disappointing how much of both processes are just waiting around. I mean at this point, I'm afraid we'll have to work on Re-Licensing before we ever have any kids in our house.
From the actual process standpoint, both for adoption and foster care, we're waiting. And it's grueling.
Our paperwork is complete and should have been turned in so that we can get our temporary foster care license. And then potentially, we'll start taking in kids. Which honestly, I'm both excited and terrified to do. Four of the six kids we asked about adopting are still available -- we're just waiting for our family profiles to be reviewed. Possibly, their workers will take one look at our information and then pass on us. Or, if we're lucky, we'll have the chance to choose between all four, but I'm thinking that's unlikely.
We did learn that the first girl we asked about adopting is still in a holding process. Her worker was considering another family, but it's possible we're still on the list. I'm not holding out a lot of hope on that front, but it's hard to forget it entirely.
It's disappointing how much of both processes are just waiting around. I mean at this point, I'm afraid we'll have to work on Re-Licensing before we ever have any kids in our house.
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